Have you forgotten your username? Please enter these 8 vitals -- okay, check your email and use that username (which, as it turns out, is your email address).
Have you forgotten your password? Please enter the same 8 vitals you just entered in this browser window -- okay check your email for a code.
Okay, that's a good code. Please enter a new password with at least one sanskrit, one cyrillic, one color and your favorite tattoo.
Okay, now do it again.
Okay, now that those match, log in (yes, prove you know the password you just created).
Okay, we haven't seen you log in from this computer before. Please provide the same 8 vitals you provided 69 seconds ago on this computer (twice) in this same browser window to change your account credentials.
Okay, welcome back! It has been awhile. Please review your account information and confirm that we have the correct email on file.
OKAY! Seriously, no one wants to hack my accounts. (except maybe that one ex)
Whew, tired. I'll do my taxes later.
